Catt Kingsgrave, Spring 2001
I never knew, when you ruled earth and sky
How small and scared you were inside
Your shadow loomed o'er all my dreams
Till I longed for death to hear my screams
In the night -- which was all that you left me
From the fright -- That you were all that I could be,
When the taste of desperation burned like bile against my tongue,
When disgust at growing up outweighed the fear of being young,
Ten years later on, in retrospect I wonder what there was to cry about.
I have outgrown you. And I got out.
I wonder what it was made you afraid
To love the life that you had made
What demon made it seem the thing to do
To crush my spirit under you,
Was it envy -- Made you teach me I should fear
That I was crazy -- That the gloom would never clear
I used to plead for some vague rescue, from a God I hardly knew
Hoping sometimes that He'd kill me, other times that He'd kill you,
Funny that it was a Goddess gave me what I really needed all along
I have outgrown you. And I am strong.
I look back now and find you frightened, in the bed that you have made
And a piece of me is satisfied at Karma so displayed.
That mind which you so valued, now your greatest enemy
The pollution of your lifetime now is obvious to see.
Of the hate that raged within me I can barely find a spark
When I think about the loathing that lives with you in the dark
It is pity now that fills me when I see your petty crimes
And wonder that I didn't see through you a million times
I don't bemoan my life, but I don't credit you
With much that I have learned how to be proud of.
I've learned a lot from strife, I won't deny it's true
But far more I value being clear of
Your vicious circle -- And the war you cannot win
If I don't fight you -- Then your wheels can only spin
Once your scorn ran so much deeper than the greatest of my hope
Your disappointment stripped away all my capacity to cope
I have come to know myself and I have come to understand
That you lost the war the minute that you chose to raise your hand
And I will walk away in triumph to a life that you could never understand.
And know that in the end: I have outgrown you.