Catt Kingsgrave -- Spring 2002

I am holding myself tight against the fear
My spine has lost its oceanic, wind-responsive sway
Inside my hands I feel the clicking gears
And my motions carry on, identical from day to day

And through it all, I want only to fall into you.
To leap, and know that you won't let me hit the stone
To run to you, and tell myself I'm never coming back,
And the bed I've made can stay behind and burn!
I could let go if I could but touch you,
I could collapse into the face I've tried my whole lifelong to earn
But where I am there's only emptiness, and doubt and fear and restlessness
And lessons I bear scars from but seem still to have to learn...

My face keeps up a sharp, sardonic wit
Speaking the truth in such a way that no one will believe
But beneath the mask, despair alone holds sway
For the weight of past convictions seems to offer no reprieve

I want you. And that's an agony apart.
And the fact that I can't have you is calcifying my heart
Leaving bitterness and bile infecting everything I say.
Rigidity and obstinacy to piss on joyfulness's grave
And me with just as much an urge to finish what I started
As to kick the whole thing in and walk away

I am whistling in the ossuary vault
To convince myself the mountain I have lifted doesn't hurt
While inside I know the agony's my fault
The redemption I was seeking only proved my shabby worth

I cannot win here -- when not even I am on my own side
But I must stay here, and can't pretend I fathom why
When all I want to do
Is fall into you